Do you like my essay?

[Daren Priesten]

I was told to write a free-style narrative essay in class, and I came up with this little short story. Is it too long? Is it too short? I hope all you that like to read can critique this for me so I don't turn in crap! If you liked it, let me know what you liked about it! Thanks!

Down by The Riverbed

The riverbed was especially calm in the morning. Green frogs leaped from lily pad to lily pad generating interruptions of the stoic brackish water. Tim Jones pulled back his long curly midnight black hair and snuggled a New York baseball cap on his head. He grabbed his fishing pole and made his way to the river barefoot. Birds flew out in the far distance assembling a wedge formation before disappearing into the fluffy white clouds.

Tim walked over to his bait bucket and pulled out an active shrimp, the shrimp struggled but was no match for his grip, then it slowly slid into the pointy metal fish hook, still squirming, as Tim thrust the shrimp and his fishing line into the placid lake. California was looking very spectacular today. In the distance, was an orange arch-like mountain hovering over the elongated river and it cast a mirror image over the water.

Tim remembered his neighbor talking about how mysterious the water was, how he'd seen huge splashes at odd ends of the night. On the other hand, he remembered his neighbor also talking about alien abductions and the Yeti working for the CIA. He smirked at the ludicrous thought. Tim commenced staring off over the water.

Suddenly, there was a quick rustle in the brush behind him and it immediately caught his attention and left a shiver up his spine. Silence ensued, and then Tim felt a strange sensation that he was not alone."He-hello?" he questioned at nothing behind him. That sense of urgency struck him, that maybe he should get out of his current location. Tim Jones started reeling in his fishing line at a steady pace, then, suddenly the line snagged abruptly. "No – no!" he murmured and started to fight his line's jerking motions. He looked back behind him to make sure a Sasquatch with razor sharp teeth or a lion that escaped from a nearby zoo wasn't behind him. There was still nothing there when he looked behind him, but that eerie feeling of being watched closely. He had a big fish on the other end of his line; that was certain!

The pole swayed to the left and to the right as Tim held on trying desperately not to lose it. His toes dug into the sand and shortly after he was on his knees pulling the fishing pole with all his might. The tension was visible on his line, then suddenly -snap! His fishing pole broke in two, as he held on to the other half, hitting his face in the moist black dirt.
The water was restless now, no longer calm and collect, Tim’s heart raced along with the ripple effects in the water. Tim hurriedly assembled his fishing gear and threw out the remainder of his bait into the brown water. He caught his breath and made his way up the hill to the car. The bushes wrestled behind him and Tim caught a glimpse of a raccoon eating berries. “Ha! It’s just a raccoon!" Tim scoffed, turning back around towards his car. His second step was halted by a big fluffy wall of wild brown fur. Tim looked up while instantaneously dropping all his gear in the process. Fear was the only emotion circulating through him, as he looked up slowly into the eyes of a ferocious grizzly bear.

Four cubs came into view as he slowly stepped back. Gravity came back into effect and he rolled down the hill while a loud booming roar echoed in his ears. Back in the damp sand he was, face first. The bear was now rushing towards him and for this instance he remembered: If you play dead, your chances of surviving a bear attack are higher! He lay motionless in the blackness of his closed eyes. His shirt rose up like a vacuum as the grizzly bear sniffed. Fear plunged over poor Tim, as his life started flashing before his eyes. It was a good life, he thought. Never hurt anybody yet, never caused a ruckus, yes… He lived a good life. Tim started to shake uncontrollably in his right leg; he summoned his strength to make it stop.

His hair pulled up from his head as the orange bear investigated over him. His leg started shaking again and he tensed his muscles to stop it, this caught the attention of the bear and within seconds, the sharp pain of a dozen knives clashed into his leg all at once.

Tim bit into the sand, tears gushed from his green eyes as he latched on, hoping his technique would come more into effect. He lay motionless, crying on the inside. The pounding of the bear's footsteps were especially loud, and then they started fading away back uphill. Tim Jones felt the blood leaving his body, the murky water slowly became a tint of red next to him. He knew he needed to apply pressure, so he took off his shirt and wrapped it tightly around his leg; he began crawling, while holding onto his leg in agony. He needed to get to his car! The keys rustled in his pants, all he cared about was ensuring he had his keys. Tim struggled, wiggling his body and using his arms to lift him forward, towards paradise, towards his car. To him, his car was now that glorious light at the end of the tunnel.

Half way up the hill he was greeted by the raccoon, which scurried over to his leg and began nibbling on his tender flesh, Tim shooed the critter away with one flailing arm and it leaped frantically into the brush. He inched his way closer to his safe haven; he was at the tires now! Tim crawled and reached the car door of his Honda Heaven. He opened it and crawled up while a sharp pain engulfed his leg. He grabbed onto the handlebar hovering above his head inside his car, and pulled himself up shakily onto the seat.

"My…phone! I need my phone!" He exclaimed. He ripped open his center console like a madman, trembling, lifted his phone out of the cup holder. Tim’s fingers shook as he dialed 9-1-1. Tim murmured his location and what happened and in mid sentence blacked out due to the loss of blood. Sirens woke him up from his nightmare. Or, so he thought. Hands cluttered over him dropping him onto a stretcher, the ambulance ride to the hospital was played out by different sceneries every time he chose to open his eyes. He survived a grizzly bear attack, a feat that rarely occurs.

[Tyrion]

The narrative format minimum requirements you are going for are met as far as I can tell. I'd recommend adding more of a captivating opening sentence(s): "The morning dew was thick in the air and there appeared to be a light zephyr that was both refreshing and alluring to the senses. The calming nature of such a picturesque environment was enough to lower one's guard and truly feel at ease." - Doesn't have to be as wordy but a strong couple of opening sentences that grabs your audiences attention. Overall it's good, thumbs up.

[Daren Priesten]

I got a 100 on the paper, I appreciate the input, but I wouldn't want to make the story unreadable for anyone who reads it. Haa

[Daren Priesten]

Here was my process essay, (Explains how to do something). I also got a 100 on this


For some people, it may be unreasonable to escalate to a form of physical violence. There are many how-to guides on how to do this and that, things you may already know. These methods I am about to introduce will guarantee an altercation at some aspect, and most of them don’t involve initiating human contact first! This guide will teach you ways of annoying people that you perhaps never thought possible! So if you want to start getting into fights, my how-to guide will send you well on your way!

Every fist fight happens for a reason. When people don’t jive in personality or taste, the only other method that will make the person leave you alone is to pummel them down as if they were a tomato. Unfortunately, with this how-to guide, you will be the tomato. The first rule of thumb is observance. For instance, a man walks into a 7-11, with a yellow shirt, blue shorts and pink shoes. Now, which article of clothing should you criticize first? If you thought his shoes, then yes, you are correct. I mean, who wears pink shoes? Men usually do not like to be judged by their sexuality, so, if you want to start right away with your goal, just say something like this to the stranger, “Hey, your shoes are very fairy like.” Once you say that punch line, get 2-3 inches from his face and say “What are you a fairy boy?” Get an additional inch closer, “Fairy boy?” By the time you reached the last inch to his face he should already have hit you by now. If you cannot find an imperfection with the shoes, this method works wonderfully with any other piece of attire.

Another great way to start an altercation is to pour liquid on your opponent. This can be done with a bottle, perhaps a bucket or even a pitcher. Get creative! For instance, fill up a pitcher that can hold up to two gallons of sweet tea, and walk along on the sidewalk in a heavy populous environment. Locate your target. Subjectively, he or she should be bigger than you; that would increase the chances of successfully getting hit first. Once you have located your target, stare at him or her in the eyes and say “Oops!” and slowly pour the sticky liquid onto their shoulder. The shoulder is a great place to strike your prey, since it causes splashes that go in every direction, successfully hitting your target in almost every limb. Once the subject has been drenched in sweet tea, laugh at him or her and attempt to run away. You shouldn’t get far, because by this time, a concerned citizen might have stopped you and asked what the hell you were thinking, or the person you purposely poured sweet tea onto would have already by now, struck you.

The last way to commence a fight, and perhaps the most successful way, is to cut someone in line. This is a rather simple task, but needs to be done skillfully. Wander aimlessly to a movie theater for a near-sold-out showing at say, 8:00pm. Once you are in the line area, find someone that is completely alert of their surroundings. This can be done if you see someone looking left or right, just waiting patiently. Now, once you have located the person you want to skip, take a quick glance at them, and make sure that they see you. Once you know they saw you, it’s time! Walk towards your victim and wait for an opening between him and the person he’s behind. If there is no opening, then you are literally squeezing behind two people, and that’s just awkward. Wait patiently, now, once the space is made; will be your time of glory. Take one big step and get successfully in between the two persons and pop your hood up if you are wearing a sweater that has one attached. Doing such an action while skipping, will definitely increase your chances of getting caught. By this time the person will know you have skipped them, and they may scoff behind you or immediately try to push you back out of the line. If they scoff, turn to them showing half your face and smile while gritting your teeth. If the person pushes you back out of line, retaliate with a sharp push to the chest. The person you pushed by now will now most likely start to fight you. The goal was made, and mission accomplished!

There you have it. These are all ways you can start a fight! In recap, you can mock your victim’s clothes or shoes, pour liquid on them, or skip him or her in line. These are all full-proof ways to start any sort of altercation. Tune in next time for my essay on, “How to Get Away with Urinating in Public.”

[Masano]

You forgot racial slurs and accusations of paedophilia, other than that good job.

[Mike]

What was the point of this?

[Kent Strider]

Whats the point in anything we do?

[Simmo]

I was told to write a free-style narrative essay in class, and I came up with this little short story.

tatadaa

[Vaux27]

Whats the point in anything we do?

Put down the blunt bro.

[Kent Strider]

Been sober for a while now unfortunately.